I am in a frigging ditch.

Nothing but problems. Problems with weight, with size, with skin, with revision. People have low morale; I have no morale. My peers graduated last year. I know nothing about the papers I am due to take, let alone be competent in them all in 2 frigging months. Better late than never? Yet I can't even started. Day in, day out, they ask me about the progress of my revision. I never doubt their intentions; I doubt my ability. I am such a shit slob. All I do everyday is get sick, sleep, eat and use the cable. Totally aimless and living for nothing. Fuck. I don't even know what can be done to motivate myself anymore. Because I am lazy, because I am subconsciously giving up on myself again. Music used to be the numbing therapy. Now I just get pissed and irritated. At night I lie on bed and think of my own death, and how loved ones might react to it at my funeral and few years down the road. Nothing morbid, just being the most self-pitying person in a 50km radius from where I am now.

Don't start on any textbook consolation or preaching or sugar coated encouragement. It's a sure way to ignite the frustration all over again, despite any good intentions.

Don't you just hate me, and the person I am becoming all over again?