\\exam.tension.manifestatn\

i missed my uk bora lect today. was woken up by monet's call in the middle of a nightmare. my mind is still dripping fresh with the memory of it.

in the dream i was under enormous pressure to perform. i was confronted unexpectedly by my parents, [significantly,] monet and a grp of other close friends. i fled frm the scene; like a mad person i literally threw away all that i had, including my non academic achievements and my pyschological burdens. they were littered all over the place. i couldnt care anymore, i just kept running and screaming. yet no matter how hard i screamed it could never drown out the deafening noise all ard me... i ran into a ulu area, looked like an industrial estate but was full of buddhist temples... i wanted to seek refuge.... i wanted to block out everything else... but even tho' i was technically nt a christian my ideals were biased toward it so i darent stay in the temples... i went frm one to another, and another one... but i could take it no more n broke down in front of an old lady kneeling n praying in front of the buddhist god statues... i begged her to allow me to stay; to my surprise she agreed n was in fact the owner of the temple... suddenly it was nite and i'd to sleep on the row of chairs at the entrance. the nightmares of what happened in the day came haunting me becos i'd tried to run away frm everything; in the dream the nightmares were real... they could move, they could touch, they could hit... i was terrified.... tried to defend myself n fend them off but they were insistent, and horrible as they were i was suddenly made to see the folly of my escapist actions...i gave in n was led back to monet...who had already picked up all that i threw away when i ran off... i knew i was wrong to do that; to throw away everything i had but that was the only thing i could do to keep myself frm being spiralled all the way into insanity... i was sorry but i had to do it.

i simply cant shake the heaviness of this dream off... the emotional stress remains... no one is forcing me to obtain distinctions for my papers which are in under 3 weeks' time... [even if they are i cant do it], just to clear them, but suddenly even decent pass grades seem so far off, i cant seem reach them, i cant... the stress is overwhelming... like in the dream, i just want to run away but i know it's wrong, and simply i can't do that, not in real life... *cries...*